A while back I mentioned that my blog was like therapy but cheaper. Well I need therapy after what has happened over the past month and a half but I haven't found the right fit. In that time I have also strayed from writing regularly on my blog, that's not good because I haven't been able to get my emotions out. This has lead to a lot of crying and that's just not good. So here are some things that I need to process.
1) I am scared- I go to sleep scared and I wake up scared- that is when I actually sleep. I am scared that I will never get my life back. I am scared being in a new city, and I am scared just to be alone in the simplest sense. I walk to the train to go to work and I am worried that some creep is going to come up behind me and hit me in the head. I am scared of change. Obviously, most people are slightly nervous of what the future may bring, but all of these changes at once have been hard to digest. I guess all of these changes are hard to digest for everybody but when you throw in an attack that lead to you being hospitalized a number of times and not being able to force your body to deal with the trauma. I haven't had a good night sleep since the attack and that scares me and they have tried putting me on any number of medications but to no avail.
I woke up last night at 2:30 in the morning punching the headboard and screaming. That is damn scary. The psychiatrist response was "funny... I can't think of why that would happen." Needless to say I am never seeing him again and I have discontinued the pill he put me on to help me sleep... cause it doesn't work.
2) I feel alone- I am not alone but coming from a city where you spent ten years of your life it is inevitable that when you move to a new place you will feel like you are just a needle in a haystack. I knew it would happen but I wasn't prepared for how it would make me feel. It feels very empty and I feel like I am lost. It doesn't help that I have so little energy because I am not sleeping and because the commute to Fairfax that was supposed to take 45 minutes each direction is taking a minimum of an hour and a half.
Feeling alone and feeling scared are not the two things I wanted when I moved to DC. I wanted to start a new life and e happy. I wanted things to change. It was after all an opportunity to start my life again and change things. And DC still provides me with that chance and all that's happened will make me a stronger person and allow me to continue to take the risks that brought me here to DC. I just need to figure out a way to get my feet back under my body and my head screwed on straight. I just want to be my old bitchy happy self but a better bitchy happy self. Is that really too much to ask for?