A Kink in the Armor

It is 2:44 AM, 18 months since the attack, 12 months since the last nightmare, laying in bed and I have a flashback, I see myself laying in the pavement as a foot comes crashing into my skull. My vision fades to nothing and then I am back laying in bed. Tears are running down my face. I have been strong for a long time, I have fought through my feelings and I have stood up and said that words won't hurt me, that I won't allow hatred to hurt me ever again.

This is supposed to be a time of celebration, not a time of pain. This is supposed to be a moment in time when I can happily proclaim my love for this wonderful man. But instead my head is being smashed into the pavement.

Words are a very powerful thing, words can convey many emotions, yet I can not seem to find the words to express how I feel right now. The words that are being used to describe my love by bigots on other blogs are vile and horrific. Venomous hatred is being spewed from the keyboards of these unworthy humans. And at 2:44 AM 18 months since the attack and 12 months since my last nightmare I am being beaten again, and I am once again being loaded into an ambulance because of hate.

For six months after the attack I would wake up at 2:44 punching and screaming and reliving the moment my life changed forever. It was after all 2:44 AM when the first blow to my skull by Fabio Brandao was logged. And now the words of people have made another imprint on my brain, and imprint almost as powerful as the foot that struck me. I know they are only words, and I can outwardly say that they will never hurt me but subconsciously they do, they harm me just as deeply as the violent attack.

The Doctor's mother thinks maybe we should drop out of the competition to win our Ultimate Wedding. I have thought about it. But if we were to drop out then these bigots would be the ones who would win. They want us to roll over and let them have their way with us. They want us to fear them because they hate us.

Then I think about all that I have been through, my struggle to come out, the lack of acceptance, being attacked for being true to myself, finding the perfect man and loving him openly and honestly, getting engaged and making the decision to enter a contest knowing that it would be a difficult road.

There is no way that I can drop out of this competition and retreat. I can not stop being who I am and I need to make a difference. Words are powerful, and so are actions. And just like the words of hatred can have power over people, words of hope can have power over people as well. We have the power to change society, we have the power to make a difference.

At 2:44 AM I have decided to use my words to do good not evil, I have decided that I will not quit because victory is the sweetest of all revenge, and I will make a difference, so the next boy struggling with who he is can look at me and the Doctor, and see that love has no gender. He can see that if he believes in himself and who he is then he can do anything. I needed a role model when I was coming out, and I can be that role model for many people.

2:44 AM will not mark a moment when hate changed my life, 2:44 AM will mark the moment when love and community helped with my decision to keep moving forward.

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