This is a warning right from the top that this is not a happy nor really funny post, it is rather introspective and it is giving me a chance to sort out things in my own brain.
For the past month or so I have been grumpier than normal, work has been hard for me (a new feeling), I haven't been in a relationship for close to 10 months and lately I just feel very alone in Boston. It sounds like a crazy thing to say but with S moving away and the new job demanding more then I expected I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. I have been in what I guess I will call a funk (not quite depression but not happy either). I never want to wake up and get out of bed, but I can never fall asleep either. I am sure it is a number of things that are putting me in this tailspin but I need to gain control of them before I ruin the relationships and friends I still have.
This weekend was supposed to be fun, we were going to get together for S's twenty-tenth birthday in NYC, get together as a group minus P and have some drinks and celebrate. It has been a long time since we have had a chance to get together and this should have been nothing but fun. I will spare you the evil details of the evening but I managed to ruin what was potentially a great night. I inexplicable began getting pissed, I can't identify the reason all I know is that my bitchy meter went from 1 to about 50 over the course of two hours. At about 2 am S was screaming at me in the middle of Union Square and he was right in doing this I was being an uncontrollable bitch and I managed to ruin his Birthday. Not a good thing for a friend to do, especially since on a lot of days I feel like I am going to be lost without him in Boston.
Why am I pushing away those people who support me when I need them? I can't imagine surviving the things that I have gone through in the past 3 years if I didn't have S by my side for all of it. Deep down do I feel like I can deal with him living so far away better if I am mad at him? Rationally this doesn't make sense, things aren't going to change very much, we won't see each other as often, but if we do begin talking again, we will talk at least as much on the phone. Then again, I was in no way being rational last night, and I couldn't stop, I just got bitchier and I wanted to stop and calm down but I was furious. I was furious at nothing and I continued to be furious at nothing all morning.
I can't possibly be this self centered that I am ruining his birthday because he is no longer going to be in Boston. It was like a break, I saw myself doing these things and I couldn't stop and at the same time I felt horrible for doing them. I was disgusted at what I was doing to a friendship that has been building. Over three and a half years S and I have fought three times and all three have been in the last three months (two in the last two weeks).
Now I need to make it up to him, and promise that I will act like a respectable human being, but I wish I knew where all of the anger came from. Am I really that unhappy with my life that I am acting like a 2 year old? How can I control feeling that I can't identify the source to? Seriously, what is wrong with me?