There Is No Crying In Yoga

For any of you who know me, or who read my blog on a regular basis, know that I am pretty much a bundle of dysfunctional stress and energy. I never calm down, I can never relax, and I even toss and turn in my sleep. This happens when all is going well, when I am frustrated my ticks, clicks, and other assorted blips are magnified.

The Doctor (my friend the doctor not an actual doctor) recommended that I try yoga as a way to relax and clear the mind. (Although my actual Doctor has recommended this as well meditation). I scoffed at the thought but figured that it couldn't hurt and at the very least it would be a good core workout. The first class I took a few weeks ago. I hated every minute. I don't know my left from right the poses seemed awkward, and my body did not go into the positions I was supposed to go into. To make matters worse crazy yoga instructor lady (with the huge chest) came over to me in the middle of class and singled me out for my inability to breathe deeply. I tried to remain calm but inside I was mortified and wanted to go running out of the class never to be seen again. However, that was not even the most uncomfortable part of this experience. Apparently at the end of ever yoga class there is ten minutes where you lay on the floor and do nothing (you know all that clear your mind bullshit). I can't sit still so like the bad boy in church i am tapping my fingers grinding my teeth crossing and uncrossing my legs, from one random improperly done pose to the next as all the other freaks and wackos are sitting in peace with a clear mind. Just not my thing. I hated it and I vowed I would never go again.

Until yesterday, the Doctor got out of work early and had time to make the 7:00 yoga class at the gym. I was almost excited because I was really sore and figured I could give it one more try. At least the day after my first yoga class my stomach felt solid because my abs had a great workout. We got to class a bit early, and take our mats and stretch a bit, engage in some idle chit chat and then crazy yoga bitch come in and starts the class. I was stressed yesterday about any number of things but I was trying to focus on all these random positions I was trying to make my body do (all the while breathing incorrectly apparently I don't know how to breathe with my belly because- well because humans have these things called lungs we breathe with). Overall I feel slightly more comfortable with my poses but my brain is not in the class, I am going through work stuff, personal stuff etc etc. oh yeah and I have to think about where in relation to my shoulders my ankles should be placed when in Warrior two pose! So there are just a few things on my mind. In this state I knew that the last ten minutes of the class were going to be hell, I would never be able to just lay there and shut my mind off, I had too many important things going on (you know like who is going to be voted off idol).

When the final ten minutes (which seems like it takes the full hour) arrives i am tossing and turning on my mat, arms crossed, arms uncrossed, ankles crossed then up in the air then bending my knees etc etc. I hear the crazy yoga bitch saying clear your mind, go to your happy place. Inhale deeply then exhale all the stress out of your body. Breathing releases all the crap. Emotional release is important, its OK to cry, you must expel the negative energy from your body. I don't look over at this crazy bitch because I know if I do I will end up laughing uncontrollably and disturbing the rest of the class. I do however roll my eyes at the bizarre things she is saying. I just don't believe in all this positive and negative energy crap.

And then my nightmare. Crazy Yoga Bitch comes up to me at the end of class, grabs my arm and asks me if I am okay. She wants to know what I am going through and make sure that I am okay. I tell her that I am fine but she clearly doesn't believe me and tells me that its OK to show my emotions. Blah blah blah. Hey, crazy yoga lady... THERE IS NO CRYING IN YOGA!