April 14, 2009

I am writing this post not really for your benefit but more for mine. Sorry guys, but it is my blog after all so I am pretty sure that I can do what I want!

April 14, 2009 will now be the second date I will no forget because of the attack that happened while I was still in Boston. Now, my goal for this date is to remember it because it is the day that the good people in the state of Massachusetts show that hate will not be tolerated.

I am scared though, I am scared for my normal reasons like

I don't like to speak in front of large groups of people... but I am also scared for a much bigger reason...

I don't want to go back there, and there is more like a state of mind then a place, as I have been back to Boston. I don't want to go back to feeling small, and being traumatized because of violence and hate speech. I don't want to go back to the nightmares and not being able to sleep. I am scared of the person this attack made me. I am (and never will be) the most positive person, but the feelings inside of me were dark and full of hate. I wanted to crawl into a corner and sit there until everything was over.

And then I started to move on, I started to feel like myself again, a little bit grumpy (bitchy) but not the person that cried everyday. I was okay walking down the street by myself and while I would still look behind me as I walked I wouldn't feel my heart racing in my chest. I stopped crying when I was alone in the house. I felt like my life belonged to me again. This all took a lot of work on my part, I forced myself, with the help of the doctor to not let this bother me. I believe I said in my blog right after the attack...

And now I vow that I am not going to cry anymore, I am not going to let this affect my life in a negative way. I am going to live my life safely but I am going to be myself.

I AM GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE!

And I didn't live by this saying, and now that this is being thrust back into my life I feel like I am back there. I feel like I am scared to live my life, but I am not going to let it get to me. I am going to live my life (this time I am not lying) and I am going to make sure that we win.

With the days and weeks that are leading up to April 14, 2009 I will try to remain positive, I will do all that I can to make sure that hate does not win by taking over my life. I will do all that I can to make sure that HATE does not conquer other peoples lives. We all are entitled to the right to live our lives the way that we want to live them. Nobody can take this away from us and what I am hoping for is that this trial in Boston shows people that. A conviction will not only help all of the people involved get some closure but it will help everybody in Boston, in Massachusetts and in the United States. We can not and will not tolerate HATE.

I had my last cry of fear last night, I stood there and admitted I was scared. I stood there and had all the "buts" in the world. In my mind I knew what I needed to do and the Doctor continued to hit me upside the head with it. I just needed to make that change in my heart. That is the difference between now and August, I am passed the stress, I know I can live my life with this. I can be happy. I can sleep. I can eat. I can love. And no matter what I am still me, that has not changed.

So now I am going to live by what I said a few months ago, and I am going to do one better... I am going to make sure that I help other people live their lives as well!

Now I am done ranting about my feelings, I promise you won't have to read any more emotional rants from me for a little bit. But like I have said many times, this blog can be like a free shrink for me... so every once in a while you are gonna have to read about my craziness... or just not read that post.